At first I was somewhat despondent. I have Resting Bitch Face and the only male counterpart reference is so vile sounding that I won’t even repeat it here. On sure, some people call it Bitchy Resting Face and you can consider “bitchy” to be gender neutral but let’s be honest here. Bitchy is as gender neutral as flight attendant. No matter how forward thinking you are, in your head that person is still a stewardess. Sorry. That’s just the way it is.
So now that we have that out of the way, back to my problem. I will be any number of things, even some of them unpleasant. I have been any number of things, even some of them unpleasant. But I will not be a bitch. And I certainly will not be that other vile thing! So I began my search for a more acceptable, maybe even gender neutral since that’s all the rage now term for this condition. And here’s what I decided.
There’s is no such thing! Oh sure there are some of us that in our resting state don’t smile at everybody like a demented psychopath. That’s because we are not demented psychopaths. And unless you are a demented psychopath, you are not walking around with a constant grin plastered across your face either. Nobody is. Except for maybe the occasional demented psychopath. But for the everyday any old normal person, spending some of your time, most of your time, in a state of “This is me, not doing anything,” is normal. Everyday normal.
Anyway, the Resting Bitch Face is a myth. It could be an urban myth but it is just as mythical in suburban and rural areas so I’m going to call it just a plain myth. Right up there with Scottish lakebound sea serpents, cold climate residing evolutionary missing links, and honest politicians. Of any party. Worldwide. Ever. And that includes that one not in office too. Any office. Worldwide.
The Resting Bitch Face myth has been perpetrated on the public by the publicists of celebrities caught by paparazzi in their natural facial expressions shared by the entire world when they aren’t thinking of anything in particular. A sort of normal, not much happening state of mind transitioned to the facial muscles and outwardly displayed as “Yep, this is me doing nothing just like any old normal person.” In order to make it appear that their clients are not just any old normal people, the publicists came up with Bitchy Resting Face lest you start asking hard questions in social media like “What’s wrong with her (or him)? She (or he) just made 45 bazillion dollars on that last movie that wasn’t even funny and 10 of those dollars were mine! She (or he) laughed all the way to the bank; she (or he) should still be smiling about it!” And if you should ask that question, now someone can reply, “Haven’t you heard? It’s Resting Bitch Face (or Bitchy Resting Face for the ‘or he’s’).”
The only problem with that is that, unlike designer sunglasses, monogrammed jeans, or logo-festooned cell phone accessories, the PR teams couldn’t license that face. Everybody has it. That’s what got them in this in the first place. But then, being what they are and all, the publicity cadre did it again. They knew soon the more fanatical fans (is that redundant?) would adopt Resting Bitch Faces (or Bitchy Resting Faces for the ‘or he’s’) as their own default facial expression. Not that they didn’t already but now had a name they could use in their social media accounts. The fans then could proudly claim to have the same condition as their favorite unsmiling objects of their fanaticism. The only way to differentiate the real celebrities from the celebrity wannabes was in accessories. Everybody has a face. But not everybody has $59,000 sunglasses. Nor can just anybody afford $59,000 sunglasses except for those who recently made 45 bazillion dollars. But everybody could afford (sort of) $175 knockoff sunglasses. And thus, the ultra-designer sunglasses industry was founded.
Now I already own sunglasses that I got at the dollar store. So when first I was despondent about my at rest appearance, I now no longer exhibit outward signs of unhappiness. Actually, if I had exhibited outward signs of anythingness I wouldn’t have even started this post, but once I rationalized the actual absence of any such condition marked by outward signs of nothingness falsely identified as anything, my outwardness took on a decided somethingness. One great big smile from pocketing $174 in change. 🙂