Just a day more than 3 weeks and it’s Halloween. And we have a problem. For a generation He of We has passed out peanut butter cups, sticks, and pieces on Halloween night. Now that 120% of all the children in America are allergic to peanut butter, what is he going to do?
It never used to be this way. People have been grumbling about peanut allergies for years yet every year the children have ripped through their peanut laced wrappers almost before even leaving his porch and never once did the following morning’s paper headline scream “Children Suffer Mass Allergy Attack!” But this year seems different. It even seems that there aren’t as many of the bright orange packages in the stores as there had been.
It could be a conspiracy. There might be nothing wrong with any more American children now than there was fifty years ago. What if the Twix people are no longer satisfied battling Left against Right and now have turned their combined sights on the Reese’s Sticks, Snickers aficionados are attacking Nutrageous bars, the venerable M&M is concerned about being overtaken by Reese’s Pieces, and the Mallow Cup is attempting to unseat the Reese’s Cup? All this on the backs of the unsuspecting children who just happened to have been stung by a bee while eating a peanut butter sandwich in the park last summer.
What if it’s the parents who need something to talk about while sitting in the soccer stands since we all know that no American understands soccer just as much as we know parents must talk about something? One-upping on allergies could be the way to go to keep the peanut butter purchases in check.
What if it’s the peanut people themselves? No more lowly peanut butter for them. They could be pushing their supply to the more lucrative Thai prepared dinner market, commercial thickening agents, or cosmetics! Imagine denying a pre-teen his or her peanut butter cup because someone wants to make an animal-tested-free moisturizer.
Of course, it could be that allergies are on the rise and mothers actually know better what their children can eat than their children. After all, kids still today eat worms and drink out of garden hoses.
So what is he going to do? Break tradition? Or save the children? It never used to be this complicated.
Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.