You’re Making That Up!

There is no question about it, this winter has been everything a winter can be.  Cold, snow, ice, wind, frozen fog.  Frozen Fog?  Yep, this winter has been everything a winter can be.  Cold, snow, ice, wind, and new made up weather terms to keep you tuned into the local news station because their predictions are more dire (or maybe more ridiculous) than the competition.

Everybody over the age of 1 can remember when winter was just cold.  Summer is hot, fall is windy, spring is rainy, and winter is cold.  It’s a pattern.  We’ve had temperatures in single digits for days in a row and we managed to have them without a Polar Vortex.  Let’s consider the Polar Vortex.  Not only are they making up weather, they’re not doing it well.  As far as we can recall (and we checked a dictionary to make sure) a vortex involves spinning, whirling, or twisting, like a whirlpool.  During our encounters with the Polar Vortex, the only spinning we saw was the spinning of tires on icy roadways.

When it wasn’t cold enough for a Polar Vortex we had an “Anomalous Jet Stream.”  We think they meant that the jet stream, which has something to do with the boundary between Caribbean Island Weather and Cold Canadian Weather, dipped closer to St. Thomas than to St. Lawrence.  We suppose “anomalous” works, it meaning out of the normal way of things.  Couldn’t they have just said that cold weather will push further south than usual?

Yesterday’s headline read “Winter Turns Into Category 5.” Clearly it was a slow news day.  The article went on to say that a Category 5 Winter is the most severe winter than one can experience.  Really?  We’re used to things like hurricanes being category this or that.  Big single events that have clearly defined features of severity.  If there is a Buick flying through the air, the wind responsible is pretty severe.  How do you measure several months of weather?  We’ve had winters with more snow, colder temperatures, and a greater variety of precipitation – ice, hail, sleet, and so on.  What happens if the next 3 weeks of winter turn out to be clear and sunny with temperatures in the upper 70’s.  Does it suddenly become a Category 2 Winter?

Our favorite new weather we heard came in a forecast last week.  Frozen Fog.  As it was, the weather person got that wrong and the following overnight and morning had no fog, frozen or otherwise, so we didn’t get to experience Frozen Fog firsthand.  We were looking forward to that.  It conjured up the picture of a sheet of ice suspended over the earth that would crack and shatter as we plowed through it with our cars on the way to work.  Perhaps before the winter is over we’ll finally get our opportunity to break the Fog Barrier.

Yep, there is no question about it.  This winter has been everything a winter can be.  Cold, snow, ice, wind.  Why can’t everybody leave it at that?  You didn’t see the Groundhog making up weather.  Six more weeks of winter he said.  Period.  No Frozen Fog for Phil.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

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