The Academy missed an award last night. That was the best performance by an individual or individuals who are supposed to be care givers but clearly don’t care. The nominees were:
Your doctor who said you really needed to lose about 10 pounds between appointments and on your way out asked you if you’ve been to the new seafood house off the interstate. But he lost his edge when you returned 6 months later and measured out only an 8 pound loss. He had the chance to chastise you for the un-lost pounds, instead he said was that you did well and you’ll get those last two pounds in another month or two.
The second nomination was a group effort that went to the local nursing home administration in total for their performance before the local television news reporter when refusing to answer questions on air about the apparent loss of 3 residents who wandered away from the facility and hadn’t been seen for 2 days, the alarm being raised only after a family member of one of the missing elders reported the situation to the police. In what looked like a lock for this award the group lost their opportunity to take home the gold when it was discovered that the administrator had already disciplined, fired, and reported to the state licensing boards the entire nursing staff that was on duty the day the three just walked through a door that was supposed to be locked but was left open so staff memebers could sneak outside for a smoke break. They further fell from consideration when after they found the trio they not only welcomed them back without trying to blame the oldsters but then gave them a month’s stay for free.
The third nominee was a dark horse, your very own auto mechanic who said on three different occasions that he couldn’t find the same noise you heard every time you turned left on a gravel road. Just when everyone was certain that he was going to charge you an arm and a leg for each visit and double dip by charging the warranty company as well, he found the problem, made a call to some mechanic friends of his, fixed your problem for parts only, then reported the issue to the manufacturer who is now recalling all 5 million models for the same safety repair. In a surprise move, the National Transportation Safety Board awarded your mechanic the Silver Torque Wrench for unrelented test driving.
And the winner is…your dentist. This supposed integral cog of your health care team takes the first five minutes of each of your semi-annual visits to harangue you for not flossing, not flossing enough, not flossing with the right kind of floss, or not flossing correctly, while scraping at your defenseless teeth with a metal probe the size of Rhode Island, refusing to let you inhale for periods of up to 3 minutes, and then telling you on your way out that he no longer takes your insurance, payment is expected immediately, don’t forget to make your next appointment, and please, have a nice day.
Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?